I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what its all about. Especially during times of despair or confusion. If you were to ask me on the road whether I am religious or not, I would reply that I am deeply religious but what that means I’m not too sure about. I would not be able to answer why. I know most people believe in God but I have always struggled with my beliefs while being certain of God. I mean that the dogma and the ritual part of religion is confusing. I’m not trying to be too cerebral, its actually the opposite with me. Most people take it for granted and even though I consider myself fairly normal as far as intelligence or deduction is concerned, its not so easy for me.

It also tends to fluctuate a lot during certain unpredictable moments of my life. Though the God part remains stable, the reason part keeps raising its hand every once in while demanding to be heard. But there seem to be only questions, never irrefutable answers. Often, I throw up my hands and frustration and move on, hoping to tackle the problem at some other time, but it never really goes away. The people I know or talk to about this never seem to know what I am talking about, they are certain of their lives and purposes and never seem to have any doubts or questions.

So am I the only one who cannot figure out the grander scheme of things? Probably. At least science and religion do not offer contradictory streams of thought as far as I am concerned. As a matter of fact, they both seem to be on the same side. The contradictions seem to be between religion and man as well as between science and man. We seem to be the ones creating the problems. But I suppose that’s about as abstract as it can get. We are all people so obviously, the people-problems, if any, will relate primarily to us only… duh! But its deeper than that. While the overall macrocosm seems all peachy, microscopically the gaps between the connecting joints of our lives and purposes seem big enough to appear to be just placed next to each other without actually belonging together as a unit. The pieces don’t seem to fit.

I really can’t explain it any better. I’m not talking in a paranormal sense but in a spiritual one. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand it enough to be comfortable with it. There are a lot of possible explanations but none that are convincing when I take them apart and logically try to put them together again. It could either be my own lack of sufficient skills or could be that the explanations themselves were never meant for close examinations. Does it make a difference whether the sun goes around the earth or the other way around. It does not make any difference to my daily life, but I think the truth is important in itself even if the end result is the same. The destination of my life is important and rightly should be but I think that the journey itself is crucial enough as well to be based on as much truth as we can put into it.

The truth is that I am, you are, we all are – today. One day none of us will be. But that is like describing the color and texture of the cheese of life but saying nothing about its taste. It may be all true but it is incomplete.

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